A Flurry Of Emotions

 

I've been feeling super anxious lately, and I just couldn't figure out why? I mean, I'm used to having anxiety, but this was like EXTRA anxiety on top of the already present anxiety. I have been super shaky, and not wanting to leave my house. I feel as though I have consumed about 10 cups of very strong coffee. I really have had to sit with myself to try and work on the reason or reasons. I think that maybe it is because there are a ton of changes happening right now and my brain isn't able to process them all and keep up. A big one is, I have been parenting for 33 years. And now with our youngest son having turned 19 earlier this year and getting his 1st job, I find myself in new waters. Even though I still have 3 sons living at home with me, 2 of them are adults and 1 is pretty much one. I still "parent" them in certain ways. But, the days of them needing their mom for everything are over and I'm slowly learning how to "disconnect" from being the full-time mom to watching from the wings and just being there when they need me. My husband Paul and I are still encouraging them and letting them know when they are about to make a mistake. We are also available for daily hugs and of course, I still enjoy cooking meals for everyone. But, I find myself being in more observation mode and trying hard (although not always successfully) to not hover and be "mommy." Because they are men now and they need to take the lead in their own lives. 

So, I'm sure that is one of the things that has been causing me some anxiety. I am in totally unknown territory and I'm trying to find out not only who they are as men, but who I AM as a mother with 4 adult sons. I put so much of my existence into making sure they were raised properly and cared for, for so long, that now that they don't need me in the same capacity, I feel a bit lost at times. The fact that I don't have a job and spend pretty much every day in my house probably doesn't help. And you might be thinking, "Well, why don't you just get out more and do stuff?" That might be helpful if this debilitating anxiety didn't have me in a freaking headlock most of the time. And, I actually have been getting out more and trying to socialize. But it's not always easy. 

Also, during my morning meditation today, I realized another reason that I've been having such deep emotions. The 5th anniversary of my being diagnosed with breast cancer is approaching. September 4th, 2018 hit me like a bullet train and I still feel the trauma. They put a lot of emphasis on the 5-year mark with the majority of cancer patients and it adds a lot of stress. They make you feel like, "Oh my God, I just need to make it to year 5!" My dad was happy when he reached his 5 year remission of prostate cancer and later that same year it came back with a vengeance and we lost him not long after. That memory plays over and over in my head. 

Now, that was my dad's story. Not mine. I fully intend on reaching my 20th year of remission and beyond. But the stress that that moment 5 years ago brought to my life, still holds me a bit captive. So to say I have a lot going on in my brain right now is a monumental understatement. And forgive my language but CANCER FUCKING SUCKS!! 

Whew! There, I said it! 

I'll get through this. And one thing I definitely won't do is dwell on ANYTHING negative. I am very thankful for my life. It is filled with love, laughter, an amazing family, and some pretty awesome friends. This is just a bump in the maddening rollercoaster called life. 

I send you love, light, peace, good energy. 

"The sad feelings will come from time to time, and it's perfectly okay to acknowledge them. But it's not okay to reside there. You have living to do." ~Jocelyn A. Dorsey

Mountain Goats, Bears, Double Rainbows

 Weird title right, I'll explain that later.

 At the end of August, I was feeling more anxious than usual. I have a tendency to start to feel like a caged animal when the seasons start to shift and the winds start to blow from the North. I was on my way back from a weekend trip with my goddaughter and all I could think about was my friend Sally Vering. She lives in Montana and ran a Bear spray company in Yellowstone National Park. She had invited me a few years before, but I had gotten sick and hadn't thought about seriously going until that day. Something deep in my soul was pulling me hard to go to Yellowstone. 

So, when I got back home I sent her a message. I told her I was really thinking about going there for a visit and wanted to know what hotels were nearby. She told me I was welcome to stay with her as long as I didn't mind sharing the space with a large german shepherd puppy named, Buster. I talked to my husband about it and he quickly said, "go!" I found a flight, hit the purchase button, and started packing. 

I had told myself that I wasn't going to let fear stop me this time. I had to see this through. I wasn't sure why I needed to go at that moment, but I went with it. I remember pleading to myself,  "PLEASE don't get in your own way!" I was determined to allow myself to have this experience and just say, yes to it. So, when Sally called and asked what I felt about spending the night in Yellowstone, I didn't hesitate to say, yes. Whatever was guiding me there, told me I needed whatever experiences were on the horizon.

On the morning of the trip, I was excited and nervous(of course). I kissed my family set off. Upon my arrival to the airport, I received a message that my flight had been canceled and rescheduled to several hours later. I instantly panicked. I called my husband almost in tears. I was ready to cancel the entire trip and head back home. Again, the calling whispered, "Don't stop." I called Sally and she just said, "You're coming today, this is just a setback. I will meet you at the airport." I took a few deep breaths and got on my way. 

Upon my arrival to Montana, I was instantly comforted by how quiet it was there. The airport there looked like a ski lodge with all of its' beautiful woodwork. I could see the mountains in the distance. I was there, FINALLY! 

Before I go further, I need to give you a little background on my friend, Sally. We were highschool classmates. and hadn't seen each other since 1985. We never hung out together in school, but there was always this mutual admiration between us. We reconnected on facebook 2012. We chatted here and there and even talked about me visiting several times over the years. She was a great comfort to me when I got sick. I still wear the pair of Moose socks she sent me to add to my "groovy sock collection" that I wore when I was going through chemo.  Anyway, when she arrived at the airport to pick me up we just hugged each other and smiled. We laughed about the fact that we hadn't been close in school because at that moment we felt like best friends. We enjoyed a great dinner in town, reminisced and, went back to her home to get rested for the next morning's journey. 

Now, I was totally clueless when it came to Yellowstone. I knew it existed, but that was about all I knew. I had no idea we were actually headed to Wyoming and that our trip would take several hours. All I knew was I was where I was supposed to be. We started out and for a change, I felt no anxiety, no fear. 

When we got to Yellowstone I was in awe. She told me it sat on over 2 million acres of land. My brain couldn't even comprehend that. It is hard to describe the emotions I was feeling. My heart was bursting with happiness looking at the expanse of nature. Our first animal sighting was an antelope. A short distance ahead was when we started to see Bison and Elk grazing. Little did I know this would be the "small stuff."  We drove through the park for hours and stopped in a small town to grab lunch and some pumpkin bread for the next morning's breakfast.  Sally wanted to stop for fuel before we headed to the campground. When we got to the gas station, she discovered that her wallet was missing. She wondered if she had dropped in when we had gotten out of the car to look for a bear that some people had seen far off in the distance. We searched the car over and over. It was the first time I ever saw her rattled or upset. I was sad and I remember feeling like, somehow me being there had brought this bad luck to her because if she hadn't been driving me around she wouldn't have lost her wallet. She had a closing coming up and she desperately needed her id. I asked if she wanted to head back to her house and end the trip. She immediately said, no. She called and canceled her cards and told me that our journey wasn't over. 

I filled up her tank, we got back in the car and we kept going. I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt I had though. We drove in silence for a while and came across a small traffic jam. Sally figured it was probably a Bison or an Elk nearby. As we started to move slowly Sally noticed some bushes moving on my side of the road. She immediately told me to get my camera ready. I aimed at the moving branches and was surprised to see a bear right there in the bushes! It couldn't have been more than 3 feet away from me. I couldn't believe I had seen a bear in the wild up close. Sally reminded me that if we had turned back, we would have missed that experience. Right after that, we came across beautiful Moutain goats grazing on the side of a cliff and an astounding double rainbow. We took a moment to reflect on those back to back experiences and how often when faced with challenges, our first inclination is to give up. If Sally had agreed with me and headed back to Montana we would have missed those beautiful sights. And going back further, if I had let those canceled flights and delays stop me, I never would have even made it to reconnect with my friend. I was so thankful that we had kept going. 

The next morning, Sally received word that her wallet had been found. It was the perfect way to start the final full day of my trip. I wasn't prepared for what the day would bring. It was the first time in ages that I truly felt alive and in the moment. Sally drove me to see waterfalls, creeks, lakes, and geysers. We ate lunch overlooking the gorgeous and massive Yellowstone lake. We traveled to elevations of over 8000ft above sea level and all I could do to not break down in tears of gratitude was to say thank you over and over to the Creator of all the beauty I was allowed to witness. There was a lot more that happened but this is getting long.

After an absolutely wonderful day, we made the 3 hours trip back to her home in Montana. I would be leaving in the morning and we were both tired. But Sally knew there was one more thing we needed to do. We left her house around 10:30pm. We drove until she found a place where people fish. I couldn't tell you where the heck we were because it was pitch black. We stopped the car, turned out the headlights, stepped out of the car, looked up, and there it was. Sally knew it was a longtime dream of mine to see the Milky way and there it was along with countless stars surrounding us from all sides. It was like those childhood trips we took to the Planetarium to see the sky show, but this time it was real. We stood there in silence and just let the moment wash over us. We were treated to a passing fireball that we watch streak across the sky and burn out. We grabbed each other, jumping up and down like excited schoolgirls. This was the cherry on the top of our already amazing weekend. 

The next morning, I was again greeted with cancellations and delays. The changes had me getting back into Chicago past midnight.  Sally drove me to the airport to hopefully have a better chance of switching to a better flight in person rather than trying to maneuver things online. We said our "see you laters", and I headed inside. As nerve-racking as dealing with these flights had been it, something had changed in me. I thought about the great trip I had just had and how not letting challenges defeat you can bring about some astonishing results. I was successful in finding a flight that would get me back home by 9pm. I sat in the airport and replayed in my head all the ways each of my senses had been delighted the past few days. But most of all I was glad that I had given myself permission to step out on faith and not let anxiety keep me from what was one of the most beautiful times in my life. And while I'm back home binge-watching shows on Netflix and Sally is off hiking with Buster in Oregon and California, I can't see a star or a rainbow without thinking of her. Her willingness to share her world with me. Her kindness, friendship, and sisterhood have left an indelible mark on my heart and soul. Until the next adventure, my friend. 

I love you. 

Soul Laid Bare

 The sheer fact that my last post was a year ago speaks volumes. I didn't even realize it had been that long, but I did know that I haven't felt like writing anything in a long time. My thoughts lately have been like a box of overturned alpha-bits. Just a bunch of indecipherable gibberish strewn about. 

Anyway, the truth is I've been having a hard time mentally. But people don't like to hear that so I've been keeping it to myself. Unfortunately, people have a tendency to not really listen to people. They hear bits and pieces and make their own assumptions without actually trying to be empathetic about what the person going through the situation is feeling. I've been guilty of this myself. 

So, what's going on with me exactly? I'm not exactly sure. All I know is I'm in a weird headspace. I don't believe I'm depressed. But something definitely isn't right. I get up every day, I get dressed, laugh, smile, dream, cook, run errands, etc..Normal right? 

Not quite. 

The other side of that is I feel anxious, angry, and sad most of the time as well. Recently I've been having these "flashbacks" if you will about when I was sick. 

ANXIETY: I can be doing anything and all of a sudden I will be transported right back there. I will smell, feel and taste the hospital, the chemo, the fear. All of it just comes rushing back and it is an overwhelmingly crippling feeling. I spoke with a friend and she says it's PTSD. I can believe that. 

ANGER: I'm angry that cancer ever touched my life. It took so much away from me. My dad, many friends and family members as well. And even though I am still here to talk about it, I'm not okay. The type of cancer I had usually has a life expectancy of 5 years. I am 2 years in remission. The only 2 people that I have ever known with this same type of cancer have passed on. That mentally is not easy to deal with. While I try to live in the moment and be grateful for each and every moment, that still bothers me so much. My husband retires in 5 years and all I can think about sometimes is if I will even be here to celebrate his retirement with him and take that month long trip we've been dreaming about for so long. I'm angry that more and more cancer centers are being erected every day and that I can't even watch television without being bombarded by no less than 20 cancer related commercials in a 2 hour span. Now, I know that 5 years is not a hard fact, and I pray I will live a whole lot longer. But, when you see the statistics in everything you read about how difficult it is to treat triple negative breast cancer and how most don't survive past that 5 year mark, it works on the psyche a lot. I am thankful though that recent reports show some breakthroughs in treatment. So, I remain very hopeful. I spoke about these feelings in one of other blog posts, but it is something that I still deal with daily. 

SADNESS: I'm not sure if this is the correct emotion. And when I really think about it, maybe I am dealing with depression. I've noticed that I don't feel creative anymore. I haven't written a story, sketch, poem, etc... I've stopped auditioning and I even took the insane step of leaving my agency. I feel so uninspired and broken. And even though, I still LOVE being on set and acting, I just have no drive right now. It's heartbreaking really, because I fought so hard to finally get to a certain point. I had an agent, I booked some awesome projects. One being my dream project, got my SAG card and then it all came crashing down. I tell myself, that I will take this time to work on myself and hopefully come back strong next year. But, the truth is I just don't know what will happen. I really hope I can get it together. Part of me feels so trapped inside my own head. I hear her screaming to get out. She wants to be an amazing actor, she wants to open a successful business. She wants to travel to beautiful places with her family, or just even venture out to the events that she gets invited to, but can't because she feels so damn defeated most of the time. So she stays inside her house, binging upbeat tv shows and Hallmark movies trying to calm the anxiety and the feelings of being a failure that comes so often. It's just that when the anxiety grips you so hard that you can't even go to the store by yourself or when time and time again you miss parties or events that you really want to go to, but you can't because you're afraid to go alone. It's hard not to feel like a complete failure. 

There's a risk in laying out your innermost feelings. People will judge you. Some will shun you. Others may pity you or begin to handle you with "kid gloves." I don't care about that. 

We're all fragile people when you think about it. Some just hide it better than others.

 I've thought about this over and over and wrestled with even writing this post. I have found that there is healing in me writing out my feelings. I believe that those who read this and turn away from me, would do that regardless. There will be those that offer their suggestions, prayers, etc... 

Thanks, but I'm not posting this for a response or for anyone to try and "solve" my problems. I just needed to get this off my chest. There's so much more that I could say, but I'm not able to verbalize those thoughts properly. Maybe I will find a good therapist to assist me in dealing with these issues if necessary. I hesitate because I've met some therapists that were horrible and needed therapy more than myself.

Plus, I truly believe that another person can't fix me.  My healing, my therapy come from being in nature. It always has. I've just been so separated from it living in this urban setting. But maybe they could help me navigate these feelings more efficiently. So I remain open to the possibility. 

Well, I believe I have come to the end of this post. So, I will leave you with this. 

“At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.”
― Paulo Coelho

Saturday Morning Thoughts

 

I shall not saddle you with any sad words today. Just some of my Saturday morning thoughts

The seasons have changed in my part of the world. The night comes quicker and the cooler temps have joined it. The hot flash savior weather is how I now describe it. Summer was weird. No outside cookouts in the park. No zoo trips. No festivals or anything of the sort. Time was spent in the backyard, tending the garden and as always for me, running away from the giant grasshoppers and locusts that take up residency amongst my green beans and bell peppers. The garden struggled from the start because of a very cool Spring and a super wet July. A few times we thought nothing would flourish. But, it found a way and blessed us for another year. I spent a lot of this Summer in a very reflective mood. Sometimes that was good, other times not so good. Some of my happiest days were when my husband and sons would gather in the backyard after the sun had gone down, We would stare up at the sky and marvel at the moon and the stars. We saw our first comet and we talked about how we all hoped to visit a dark sky park one day. I'm glad my sons see the beauty in nature. It warms my heart to see them get excited about birds and see them take pictures of flowers and caterpillars. At least I was able to pass that down to them. 

My thoughts change for a moment.

I promised myself I would keep things light today. Because if I wrote all that's been going on in my mind lately......

Anyway, did I ever tell you that I have a beautiful granddaughter? She is 8 months old. My son named her after my daughter who passed away in infancy. Saying my daughter's name again is strange. It brings up so many many emotions. None I care to delve into right now.  I haven't met my granddaughter yet in person because of the covid-19 situation, but we do video chat a few times a week. I place my hand on the screen of my tablet and trace the outline of her face with my finger. I can only wonder what her skin feels like and what she smells like. Sadness tries to creep in, but her beautiful smile pushes it all away. 

I glance out my window and I can see the cold. The sky is gray with just a hint of blue peeking through. The leaves on the trees sway vigorously in the chilly 45° air. I'm reminded that I haven't had my cup of hot tea yet. The birds and squirrels are stuffing their mouths with the seeds from our feeder. The Summer birds have gone. Autumn migration brings new visitors. Or maybe they've been here before and remembered where the food was. A lone red male cardinal sits on the electrical lines that run endlessly up and down our alley. Maybe he is waiting for his turn to grab some food. 

I rest my head in my hands for a moment to try and think of anything else I would like to say. There's a lot. But, again I'm being cautious with my words. 

Today the fear and anxiety won't cripple me. 

Today I will try to leave the house alone and go somewhere(ANYWHERE)

Today I will

Today I 

Today

Today is all we have, so I will make it count. 

Probably by cooking something for my guys because that's me and cooking makes me happy. 

I think to myself, WOW! This blog has changed a million times over the years. I wonder if anyone ever reads it? And if they do, what do they think? 

May you be surrounded in the white light of Love, Peace, and Divine protection

"There is no such thing in anyone's life 
as an unimportant day."

Alexander Woollcott

Forgive me if I ramble

I find myself back here quicker than I expected. Because the words, the thoughts, the emotions.....They keep filling up and overflowing inside of me like a bucket left outside in the rain. There's a lump in my throat that I can't swallow. So much going on in the word, that I can't follow. My thoughts on my sons and their black skin. And how so many are laughing at the pain my people are in. It's beyond sad and writing BLM on a Gucci store window doesn't mean damn thing to me. Because if the mindset and the actions don't change, it's just a waste of paint. I had to delete a few folks off of my FB page. My tolerance for their snide remarks and subtle racist posts is -0. They probably won't even notice.

I don't have a clear direction for this post today, so forgive me if it seems as though I'm rambling. I'm just trying not to lose my mind. I really wanted this to be an amazing year. The year when I would get back to work because I was cancer-free, and my hip was fixed. I wanted and needed so much for things to feel "normal" again. 

WELP! We know how the hell that turned out! I have no direction now. Not sure if opportunities to audition will return. And if they do, I'm not sure I even want to.  Nah, that's not true. I want to act my ass off! I want to walk into a room and blow their freaking minds!! I want to surprise myself. But everything is so uncertain now. And since this virus took over the world I don't know what to do. People say, "Write." I've tried. But my mind can't focus long enough. I'm like a toddler who's attention span lasts about 30 seconds. I'm sure my husband has noticed how scattered I've been lately. Bless his heart for just letting me try and work it all out. These blog posts are the only thing I've been able to actually complete.

The news, the social sites, the tv. It's so damn depressing. I walk barefoot in the garden to try and ground myself. Eyes closed, breathing in deeply, exhaling all the negativity that bombards my spirit unrelentingly.

I'm weary.
I'm worried.

The final scene in the movie, Powder flashes through my mind. When he takes off his shirt and runs through a field during an incoming storm. In a flash of lightning, he's gone. his energy transformed. He is finally free. I want to feel like that.

FREE!

Then a news brief comes across my screen and I'm reminded that I'm not. I'm here. Stuck on this chaotic rock. Where people hate one another because they look different, love different, worship different etc, etc, etc....

I turn my focus to the ones I love. Not just family. Friends too. We're all feeling it. In one way or another, 2020 has slapped the crap out of all of us. We persevere. Some cry, some pray, some get super busy, some retreat in their quiet place. But, we keep going. And thankfully amongst the madness, some really good stuff happens too. But, that's life in a nutshell, isn't it?

Anyway, I guess I'm done for today. It's almost noon and I'm already in need of a nap. I send you love, peace, and hope for the light to outshine the darkness in this world.

We can say 'Peace on Earth,' we can sing about it, preach about it or pray about it, but if we have not internalized the mythology to make it happen inside us, then it will not be.

-Betty Shabazz